Saturday, January 26, 2013

Life - Choose

Life - Choose

That was a different life.  A different time, and we were different people.  You ask me an impossible question, of what might have been, of a maybe and a possibility that never was.  I don't know what the path of our lives would have been if you had picked differently.  We were caught in moments and you made a decision then, didn't you?

You wanted someone who was more attractive, who looked better, smelled better, was more like what you imagined you should have been with.  You wanted someone who was more handsome, more fit, more cut, with muscles and a flashing smile.  I confess I was not these things, am still not.  I am still me, as transparent as ever, as arrogant and world wise, as capable and as independent, as opinionated and as stubborn.  I am just me.

So I stepped back and let you decide.  Because I knew I didn't measure up to what you wanted in your mind.  And I stayed silent.

You decided, I let you.  I kick myself for having let you decide in that moment, that I chose to walk away into the night, that I left it unsaid.  I decided to not make a decision, and live wondering until now. 

You ask me an impossible question.  I don't know the paths of our lives, don't know what carried us to the here and now.  But that was a long time ago, what could have been, what might have been.  Now we're worlds apart and you want a definitive answer, and the truth is that the decision was yours, truly, just yours.  As headstrong as I am, I would have gone along if you would have asked, I honestly would have.

But I let you choose, and you didn't choose me.

In the darkness, and the spaces between the midnight stars...I live with your choice.

I do.